Lord make my words today soft and sweet, for tomorrow I may have to eat them—Anonymous

NOOFFENSE5Have you noticed that whenever people start a statement with, “No offense, but…,” they immediately follow with a guaranteed offensive comment?

For instance, no offense, but has anybody else wondered how and why the once controversial biker’s organization called ABATE changed its name?  Originally “A Brotherhood Against Totalitarian Enactments,” the group now goes by the much less obnoxious “A Brotherhood Aimed Toward Education.”  Did the old “Totalitarian Enactments” crowd get tamed by their friendlier “education” brethren, or did they just wise up and go for a more acceptable image?   The so called “totalitarian enactments” were invariably helmet laws for motorcyclists, and that part doesn’t seem to have changed.  What seems to have changed is the membership being attracted…  a professional class who can afford horribly overpriced motorcycles that cost way more than our first house.

NOOFFENSE7And, no offense, but is there any meaningful restitution in those 64 cent checks that come to our house at unpredictable intervals?   A couple of years ago, two local yahoos spent their early morning hours driving around Cedar Falls with a slingshot, firing marbles through car windows.  They shot windows out of the driver’s side of thirty-one cars parked on the street.  136The damage to  our car, about two hundred dollars, was covered 100% by our comprehensive auto insurance.  Then, several months later, one of the two fun loving young men was sentenced to prison on an unrelated charge.  Shortly after that, we received an unexpected check for $1.57 from Blackhawk County.  All this should make for an occasional treat.  Slightly more and you could get a decent cup of coffee, but the amounts are unpredictable.  Just as unfortunately, when the checks arrive, they must be turned over to State Farm Insurance to reimburse them for the money paid to fix our broken window.  According to my calculations, the debt should be paid off in only sixteen and a half more years, if he doesn’t miss too many more payments.  Lately, however, the payments have become very irregular, and it’s been three months since the last one.  Do you suppose he’s out on parole already?

NOOFFENSE6And, no offense, but am I the only one who continues to get those email forwards that leech their way past the spam filter to lie, and lie mostly about Obama care, but can cover all kinds of political fear mongering?  Another one came in yesterday, and even though this person has sent me dozens of similar, mean spirited, steaming piles of misinformation, I went ahead and opened it anyway.  Like an idiot, I got sucked in again on the chance that this might finally contain something I should know.   This time it was aimed specifically at my age group. “At age 76, when you most need it, you are not eligible for cancer treatment under Affordable Care Act.”  Dumb me.  What do I do?  Waste time looking it up.  Yes, of course it’s a lie. Where do you suppose they keep the room full of monkeys that turn out this crap?

nooffense8And, no offense, but am I the only newspaper subscriber who finds it annoying that our morning paper (the Des Moines Register) and our afternoon paper (the Waterloo/Cedar Falls Courier) are delivered to the house as little as two hours apart?  This morning the Register didn’t arrive until 9:00, and while it’s only 10:00 as I write this, I know there is a reasonably good chance the Courier will be here sometime between 11:00-11:30.  Oh for the good old days of reading a morning paper with morning coffee and an afternoon paper after work… in the afternoon.  I know at least one reason why newspapers are struggling.

No offense.

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