keurig1Am I the only one who doesn’t think my Keurig is the greatest thing since sliced bread?  True, it makes a reliable cup of coffee in a minute or less.  But I can make a much better cup of coffee if you give me ten minutes and a pot of water.  Or a French press is good too.

But, like so many others, I do use the Keurig, on a daily basis, first thing in the morning before really getting fully awake.  It is fast.  And, as a second major advantage, it automatically limits the amount of coffee I drink.  Make a pot of coffee, Bill will drink that pot of coffee… the whole thing.  But with the Keurig, I can cut it off at one or two.

I don’t even mind the fact that the coffee isn’t great.  It’s good, and that’s good enough.  What I mind is the fact that I never know which day the Keurig will decide I don’t deserve or need a cup of coffee, and just sits there making groaning noises at me.  This doesn’t happen to my kids. Their Keurigs seem to work perfectly dependably.  Mine, on the other hand, operates on Cedar Falls’ moderately hard water.  Apparently that makes all the difference.  If I don’t clean it, as in run white vinegar through the brewer, at least every eight to ten weeks, I can count on getting an unpleasant surprise some unpleasant morning.

Then about a  month ago, I read an article about how the solution was to “spank the Keurig.”  And, ever since, I’ve been waiting for my chance. Wednesday morning I pressed the power button, popped in a “Sumatran Reserve” cartridge, lowered the handle, and listened to the sound of a dead Keurig coffee maker.

Nothing.  No sound, no coffee.  Nothing.

Back to the internet for me.  In three minutes flat, I’d reviewed the steps for disciplining the coffee maker.

1. Unplug

2. Remove water reservoir.

3. Carry Keurig to sink.

4. Invert and grasp tightly with left hand and arm.

5. Sharply smack bottom of Keurig with heel of  right hand.

6. Continue until it feels good.  In my case about twenty or twenty-five sharp blows that seemed just a little too hard and a little too noisy.  That thing will reward you with dangerous sounding metallic rattling from deep inside itself.  Remember, this coffee maker is not working, and you have nothing to lose.

7. Place Keurig on counter, plug in, turn on, add water, and try it out.

In my case, worked beautifully.  Good, hot cup of coffee in less than a minute.  How pitiful is it that the solution to difficult maintenance problems with a $150.00 to $300.00 coffee maker involves beating the hell out of it?

I know.  I know.

Bill Morgan

4 thoughts on “SPANK THE KEURIG”

  1. I don’t own a Keurig. I personally don’t see anything wrong with my 6-8 cups per morning. 🙂 I purposely make it a little weak so I can drink that much without the shakes. Coffee is full of antioxidants! I figure it’s a lot healthier than a lot of stuff I can’t resist eating. It’s my health food.
    Great post!

  2. Corporeal punishment? That’s not like you, Bill.

    We’re a Nespresso family. No spanking allowed (or necessary) and the coffee is superb, albeit more expensive.

    Your post reminds me of Chandler’s hard-boiled take on coffee:

    “I went out to the kitchen to make coffee — yards of coffee. Rich, strong, bitter, boiling hot. The lifeblood of tired men.”
    – Raymond Chandler.

  3. Thank you Bill for my laugh this morning! I needed that as I’m drinking my ‘wonderful’ Arrowhead coffee!

  4. Hi,

    Well the spank did not work this morning. I may have a faulty de scale sensor as it never came on, however, I ran cider vinegar and water through the pot to monitor when the water changed color, then two reservoirs of clean water and it brews like new. I can understand the thought of having violent tendencies when our morning coffee maker does not work! I am hopeful this assists others with this particular issue, as I was ready to go purchase another pot.

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